A Conversation With my Blog After a Long Absence

Before you say anything, let me just say, it’s been too long. Way too fucking long. I’ve missed you, blog — yearned for you. I’ve gotten grumpy from our separation. I’ve been spinning my wheels, running in a lot of directions and getting nowhere, which is always how I end up feeling when we’re apart for too long. No, I’m not just saying that — jeez, you’re so insecure.

What have I been doing while I’ve been away? Working, and buying groceries and going to the eye doctor and piddling away my day on Facebook. Fat lot of good that Facebook does me; it leaves me feeling empty and unfulfilled, unlike you, blog. It’s a shiny distraction. You’re the real thing.

I’ve been working on some cool stuff, too. I’m writing a book. Did you know that? It’s called “Feeling My Way: Finding Motherhood Without Losing Myself,” and it’s based on the stories I’ve told right here about my pregnancy and early motherhood. “Motherhood.” I still can’t believe it, sometimes. I’m a MOTHER. I have a DAUGHTER. I gave BIRTH.

But enough with the all caps – I know you hate that. I’ve also been producing a show. Remember how I started that other blog, Having a Ball Having it All? About what it actually means for women to “have it all”? Oh, don’t pout — you knew I was doing it. Well, don’t pretend to be cool with something if you aren’t really cool with it! Anyway. That blog inspired a live show, which I’m producing and hosting next week — March 1st, 9:30pm. I’m so excited about the talent I’ve got lined up. I’m excited about the whole thing, and kind of scared, too, because I’ve never produced a show before, and it’s been a million years since I performed anything scripted. But it’s a good kind of scared, and so is the book.

Speaking of scared, motherhood is kind of terrifying — the enormity of the emotion I feel. Which is why I need you, dear blog. When I’m not writing, I become engorged with feeling. Well, yes, that is a very sexual way of putting it, but it’s how I feel. Since when are you so judgey?

Jordan and I went out of town last weekend and his parents looked after Alison. I loved having so much time alone with him, but at the same time, I missed her so much, it made me physically ache. I feel like she’s a plug and my heart is the socket and I need to hold her to my chest to recharge. When we’re away from each other for too long, the battery starts to die.

Yes, I’m aware that I’m mixing metaphors. I’m a little rusty, what can I say? But I want to make a commitment to you, blog, and to myself. No matter what it takes, I will never let you be on the back burner. “Nobody puts bloggie in the corner.” What, haven’t you seen Dirty Dancing?

Ok. Shh, there there. It’s ok. I’m back. We’re back. And we’ve got this.

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