Motherhood: Alternate Scripts

Photo by Diueine Monteiro

This morning I gave my 1-year-old a tour of the local Walgreens while we waited for the pharmacist to fill a prescription. Here’s what I said… and what I was thinking.

What I Said

Ali, this is a Walgreens. Walgreens is a store. This is where people come and they use their money to buy things. 

This is the freezer full of ice cream. Here’s some more food. Here’s a freezer case full of ice, like if you’re having a party or something. 

That’s a balloon! Balloon

These are cleaning supplies. You use them to make your home nice and fresh.

These are things for doggies! And kitties. And here are some art supplies. I read that you might like finger-painting. But that seems messy. Not that it isn’t okay to be messy. But I don’t even think you’d like it that much… 

This is shampoo. And conditioner. These are all shampoos and conditioners, and stuff to take care of your hair. Those are brushes, remember, like how we brush your hair? Brush.

This is daddy’s favorite aisle. Candy. Sweet treats.

These are school supplies – notebooks, pens, pencils…

This is toothpaste, like how we brush your teeth at night…

This is makeup. We use this to decorate ourselves sometimes. And this is lotion. Lo-tion, like we use to moisturize, or take care of our skin…

These are cards. We give people cards to say “Happy birthday” or “I love you.”

I love you, Ali.

Here’s another balloon. Let’s see if the pharmacist is ready…

What I Was Thinking

Ugh, look at all this junk. What a consumerist culture we live in. How sad that people spend their money acquiring this stuff.

That is not real food. How sad that people eat that. I am so glad we don’t have to eat that. 

I wish we had a nicer home.

I want to play with the art supplies.

I want to send cards to my friends.

Seriously? The world needs one shampoo, and one conditioner (maybe). It is absurd that “hair products” take up a whole aisle. 

I should get Jordan some candy.

How many brands and types of toothpaste can there possibly be?! How is there a “toothpaste industry”?

Oh my god, one day my little girl will wear makeup. Squash that thought…

She sounds so cute chattering in her stroller. She looks so cute. She’s so cute. She’s so sweet.

I love Ali. 

The entertainment value of this little tour is wearing off. I need to get us out of here before she loses interest. Has it been 10 minutes since the pharmacist said to give her 10? I feel like I’ve been in this Walgreens forever. Let’s get this show on the road!

Postscript: It hadn’t been 10 minutes, but it had been, like, 9, and my prescription was soon ready. Ali and I left the Walgreens, smiled and waved to the crossing guard, and walked to daycare, with Ali chattering happily along the way, pointing to dogs and saying “bow wow wow.” My thoughts only wandered to Breaking Bad once or twice. I sang her songs, and she pointed at bikes and cars.

Life is good.

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