Gimme a five

My daughter is five today.

Five. years. old.

Five years of mothering.

Mother: A verb, meaning, “to love in agony and elation.”

FIVE YEARS.

Oh she talks and my heart melts.

Oh her sweet little hand. Her bottom.

Oh how I sometimes still long for freedom. For quiet. For a morning of meandering in laziness and even gloom, unstructured, before springing into action.

Oh how she snaps me out of myself. Oh how she grounds me. Challenges me. Fills me up.

I am a little drunk on champagne as I write this because my husband and I are celebrating. We are toasting ourselves, on this occasion. Five years.

I want to go eat all the frothy frosting off the edges of her Baskin Robbins ice cream cake that I took an extra subway ride and then a bus to pick up today.

That I ordered the other day, every little detail just the way she likes it.

I want to hold her while she sleeps, to feel her breathing. When she giggles my heart flaps its wings rapidly. Her body and mine, inextricably linked. Like a single organism that can split into two independent forces.

She is a force of nature, my daughter. A friend invites me to his party, encourages guests to dress “dope as fuck”; when I say “I don’t have anything dope, let alone dope AF,” he says, “just dress like your daughter.”

Smart sweet curious

Tender silly intense

Her good moods lift us

The opposite is also true

Today I am lifted.

Today I am dope as fuck.

 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s