18 things I’ve learned in 18 years of marriage

Today is my 18th wedding anniverAmanda and Jordan Hirsch on their wedding daysary. In honor of our union / in a coincidental bit of publishing schedule good fortune, today is also the day that McSweeney’s published a list Jordan and I wrote, called Thoughts on Marriage From a Couple Who Have Been Married for 18 Years. I hope you enjoy it.

(For more Team Hirsch comedy stylings, check out our two-person show: Til Death – A Comedy Show About Marriage.)

Feeling all list-y and marriage-y, I was inspired to write the following.

18 things I’ve learned in 18 years of marriage

  1. It is possible to be very attracted to someone whose pop cultural tastes cause you alarm.
  2. Do not eat his candy without asking. Especially not the candy corn.
  3. He will forgive almost anything if you feed him. It doesn’t have to be fancy. A PB&J can send him into a bliss spiral.
  4. You will forgive almost anything if he rubs your feet.
  5. When someone looks at you and says how beautiful you are just moments after your own reflection startled you in the medicine cabinet mirror, it’s true love.
  6. Morning people and night owls can, in fact, form a lasting bond. The key is to milk those afternoon hours — until you have a child and the morning person begins losing steam at more like 1pm in which case, milk that noon-to-1pm window HARD.
  7. Headphones solve a lot of problems.
  8. So do matches. (For odors! Not pyrotechnics! Although…)
  9. Being soulmates is great and all but at some point it will feel like you aren’t a fully functioning human unless he’s around and that is terrifying.
  10. If you can stand to watch one of his favorite movies it will mean the world to him, but he will be disappointed when he quotes it later and you don’t catch the reference.
  11. Date nights are fun but it’s the spontaneous romantic moments that make you fall in love all over again.
  12. Date nights aren’t actually always fun because a lot of times you wish you could just send the babysitter and the child out on the town and loaf on the couch together in your jammies watching Netflix.
  13. The fact that after so much time it makes you so happy just to be in the same room together doing nothing is a very, very good sign.
  14. Always tell him how you really feel, because when you don’t, that shit comes out anyhow, usually in a not very constructive way.
  15. But sometimes wait to tell him because he’s really tired right now and just needs to watch the Simpsons.
  16. It’s possible for a relationship between an atheist and a spiritual seeker to thrive as long as they never talk about their most deeply held beliefs while intoxicated.
  17. When the person who makes you laugh harder than anyone or anything is also the person you’ve chosen to spend your life with, you are a very lucky person.
  18. When that person is also the gassiest person you know – oh well. Sometimes, you eat the bear…

Love you, babe ;).


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